This week sure has been something.

I’ve been ruminating over this blog post for several weeks now. It seems that inexplicably, the moment I feel definitively on one track of mind my thoughts become immediately derailed. I pranced into this semester with a slight bounce to my step, feeling quite rejuvenated and ready to take on the world. Three weeks later classes have finally started and if my mind were a room it would most closely resemble the wardrobe from the Chronicles of Narnia. I cannot tell you where you might end up if you meander inside. So below is an offering of my initial feelings on this term, despite the fact that most much of what I wrote about feeling at ease got sucked up into a cyclone and spat out rather frivolously. Nevertheless, Welcome Aboard the Pam Express.

A breath of fresh air

I think one of the biggest changes I’ve seen within myself is how utterly patient I’ve become.  Things happen when they happen, and I’ve moved past the notion that force will get you there faster. I suppose you could say I’ve reached a new state of “Zen”, where no matter what situation I find myself in, I easily brush off my shoulders, there’s nothing treacherous about things not working out exactly as you planned, if anything it enables more room for creativity, and influence to come from any number of sources… which in a brief political analysis would probably make the process and execution far more “democratic” (whatever that means anymore). 

While time is still flying at the speed of light, I no longer have this relentless feeling that I’m being rushed. There’s a running joke amongst the volunteers about the difference between “Now” and “Now Now”, something that emerged as a distinction of time in Swazi Culture. In the context here, “now” tends to usually mean within the next couple of hours (just like “soon” is often 20+ minutes), whereas “now now” is as close to “immediately” as you’re most likely going to come. While it might not seem like a pertinent distinction to make…  it is a necessary point of clarification when making plans, and my new method of time management/prioritizing.  For example, by simply asking myself “what really needs to happen now now?” My brainwaves translate that into immediate needs, vs. things that wouldn’t really change if I worked on them any sooner.  Which of course, tends to reduce stress levels, but has not prevented my new nickname amongst the teachers at my school, which I’m sure to most of you, dear readers, would not come as a shock. During week #2 of our Development Plan process… my (one may say) strong work ethic, and desire to maintain focus on one particular topic has led me to be known as a “workaholic” amongst the staff. Although it’s sort of a cringe-worthy truth, in this particular setting I can’t help but get the impression that it’s a compliment and has set the tone for expectations around some of the areas I am working in, and is not something I feel like I need to apologize for, or try to alter.

I’ve often been accused of taking things too seriously (and honestly, still am not entirely convinced that that’s a bad thing) but I will admit that it puts me at odds with the expectations I hold for myself, and those held by others. Ultimately, it comes down to acknowledging that everyone places varying degrees of priority on the same (or different) things.  I’ve spent a lot of time contemplating whether or not privilege influences the order that certain “priorities” can take, and what that means in terms of “development[1]” work. I guess one could relate this a little to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs… but I think that refusing to acknowledge the privilege you might bring to your work outside of your particular cultural context can be a real hindrance, especially in learning to empathize with those you’re working with in terms of learning to understand how access to different resources and separate life experiences can affect someone’s approach to life (and thus their priorities).  Welcome to my mind, please, step into my office.

After spending several weeks and many relatively productive hours it was time to introduce the Development Plan to the first set of our stakeholders… the teachers. I was really nervous for this. Make Nelsiwe and I agreed that it was necessary that the teachers feel that they have ownership over the plan in order for them to want to support it’s implementation, and in my eyes, it was asking them to do a lot more work. We spent two days discussing it.  I was really excited by the discussions the teachers had around the Development Plan, they shared some really good ideas, and it was rejuvenating to hear them discuss the various topics that they are so passionate about. It made me feel really good about this school year, and that despite feeling totally wiped out from last week, like there’s going to be a lot of positive change this year. 

I might have mentioned that I had started a Student Council at the end of last term. Right now it’s a collection of students in the 6^th and 7^th grade. However, the plan is to include students from the 5^th and 4^th grades as well, once we get more established. The idea was to not only train the students in leadership, teamwork, public speaking and other organizational skills, but also to introduce the students’ voices into the activities and programming done at the school. My heart pretty much burst with pride, when after a meeting on Thursday, the Pres. and VP met with the Head Teacher to discuss some of their concerns and have their responsibilities realized. It was really wonderful to see them receive such encouragement from the HT, and for them to feel like their concerns matter. Not only that, but the HT also advocated for them to be part of the Development Plan.  This council is definitely a work in progress, and a massive learning experience (… for me, perhaps more than the students…) but it’s nice to see the potential that it has. 

I was really anxious that my SSL (Swazi Sign Language) would have me looking like I was constantly in a flourish of interpretive dance due to the 7 week break that just sort of dissipated into thin air, but that was surprisingly not the case. I found myself interpreting during one of the staff meetings last week, and not only surprised myself, but all of the teachers too. Even the students have commented that it’s improved a lot, which is nice. Some days it’s really crucial to focus little things like that that make me proud. Otherwise it’s just as easy to focus on the things that fill you with the kind of dread that Frodo and Sam felt when they were about to trudge their way up Mount Doom. (I mean… the sun already makes it feel like I’m living in fire).

This past week was also emotionally draining for reasons I’d rather not divulge on such an open and public forum, but I will say it has offered incredible insight, and was a good catalyst for reflection on my goals and purposes here.  It can be far to easy to get overwhelmed by the reality of any job; I am but one piece in a much larger system. Eish. That sure is stifling, and makes a person sort of want to crawl beneath the covers for a while.  It’s about this point where I’m like LOLOLOL…qualifications? Somehow I manage to maintain relative confidence in my work here despite “faking it til I make” about 90% of the time.  Which puts an intriguing twist on the fact that I am viewed as a professional. But this means that I have faced less barriers in terms of putting myself out there, learning new things, and experiencing epic proportions of personal growth. I think if anything it expands on maybe a rather narrow understanding of what “professional” work looks like.  But anyways.

I think I’ll close with a quotation passed on to me from another volunteer:

The way of the Warrior/Leader: Show up and choose to be present

The way of the Healer: Pay attention to what has heart and meaning

The way of the Visionary: Tell the truth without blame or judgment (speak your truth)

The way of the Teacher: Be open to outcome, not attached to outcome

And my own addition…

The way of the Peace Corps Volunteer: Demand no more of others than you do of yourself

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[1]I honestly rather loathe this descriptor. I get it, technically I am indeed involved in this so-called development work… however, I don’t understand why the label is associated with work in some areas of the globe and not in others... “develop” means to “grow or cause to grow and become more mature, advanced, or elaborate”… And in that sense, things are only (if ever) temporarily “developed”, but in most cases, achieving a new stage or level only opens the doors for future embellishments.  I’d like to strongly argue that it would be an awful thing to be “fully developed”, and I’m not sure that’s what one should set out to achieve. Bongiwe used “Hegel” it is super effective.